When Coaching Isn’t Coaching — It’s Just Annoying

aka: Why Nobody Asked for Your 8-Step Feedback Framework, pal.

Let’s get one thing out of the way upfront: good coaching is invaluable. A thoughtful mentor, a manager who listens, a colleague who challenges you in the right way—those are game-changers.

But let’s also be real. There’s a kind of “coaching” that isn’t really coaching at all. It’s condescending, intrusive, out-of-touch, and... annoying. You’ve probably experienced it. You may have even dished it out (no judgment—this is a safe space).

You know what we’re talking about:

"I just want to offer some coaching here...""Can I give you some feedback?" "Have you tried approaching it like this?"

Cue eye-roll.

Let’s unpack how well-meaning “coaching” can quickly become the office equivalent of a backseat driver—and what real coaching should look like instead.

Coaching vs. "Coaching"

Real coaching comes from a place of curiosity, empathy, and mutual respect. It's a two-way street. It's about guiding someone to their own solution, not prescribing one.

Fake coaching, on the other hand, usually looks like this:

“I’ve done this before. Let me tell you how.”
“That’s not how I would’ve done it.”
“You’re doing it wrong, but in a nice tone.”

It’s like someone wrapping unsolicited advice in a warm fuzzy blanket and calling it “support.” But the impact? Totally different.

Red Flags Your “Coaching” Might Just Be Annoying

You’re Talking More Than Listening

Real coaching is 80% listening. If you're monologuing for 10 minutes straight, you’re not coaching—you’re TED Talking.

You’re Solving a Problem That Wasn’t Yours to Solve

Not every vent session or idea share needs to be “fixed.” Sometimes people just want to be heard.

Pro tip: Ask, “Do you want feedback or just a sounding board?” before jumping in with solutions.

You’re Coaching Without Context

Giving feedback on a deliverable when you weren’t part of the project? Commenting on a meeting you didn’t attend? That’s not coaching—that’s speculation.

You’re Always the One Giving Coaching, Never Receiving It

If you’re the “coach” in every situation, maybe it’s time to check your self-awareness meter. No one wants a constant correctional presence in their workspace.

Why This Happens: Coaching Feels Like Leadership... But It Isn’t Always

Let’s face it—offering advice feels good. It makes us feel smart. Helpful. Important. Like we’re “developing” people. But if the person on the other side didn’t ask, doesn’t trust you, or isn’t in a place to receive feedback, then all your well-meaning tips and tricks just sound like noise.

According to Harvard Business Review, even coaching frameworks like “The Coaching Habit” can backfire when they’re overused, over-scripted, or poorly timed.

“If someone doesn’t feel safe or respected, coaching can feel like micromanagement dressed up as mentorship.” — HBR

Oof.

The Damage of Unwanted “Coaching”

This isn’t just about annoyance. Constant, unsolicited coaching can do real damage:

Kills morale – Makes people feel like they’re never good enough.
Breeds resentment – Especially when it comes from peers, not managers.
Wastes time – Derails meetings or check-ins with unnecessary tangents.
Shuts people down – If folks know you’ll always jump in with “your way,” they stop contributing.

And yeah, it can start to feel real Joker-y if we’re not careful.

What Good Coaching Actually Looks Like

Alright, let’s pivot. You want to support your team or colleagues. You want to be helpful. Here’s how to actually do that:

Ask First

“Would it be helpful if I shared a different perspective?” goes a lot farther than “Here’s what you should do.”

Get Curious, Not Directive

Try: “What’s worked for you in the past?” or “What do you think your options are here?”

Let them talk through their thinking. You’re not a guru—you’re a guide.

Use Feedback Windows

Time and setting matter. The middle of a stressful demo or the end of a 1:1 when someone’s fried? Not ideal. Use established feedback loops: retros, reviews, formal check-ins.

More on that here: How to Give Feedback That Actually Lands

Coach Behavior, Not Identity

Say: “I noticed the team seemed confused after the presentation—what do you think happened?”Don’t say: “You always come off disorganized in meetings.”

One invites reflection. The other invites resistance.

If You’re on the Receiving End

Now, let’s say you have a Steve in your life—the self-appointed coach who offers you “thoughts” at every opportunity. What can you do?

Set boundaries. “Thanks for the input. I’m not looking for coaching on this right now.”
Redirect. “I appreciate your experience. Right now I’m just trying to process.”
Be honest. “Sometimes it feels like you’re jumping in before I’ve had a chance to finish. Can we slow that down?”

Remember: you don’t have to take every piece of advice just because it was offered “nicely.”

Coaching, When Done Right, Is a Superpower

Here’s the thing: Coaching can be transformational. It builds trust, unlocks growth, and creates strong, self-aware teams. But it only works when it’s:

Asked for
Delivered with empathy
Grounded in real context
Framed around listening—not just talking

Final Thought: Be the Guide, Not the Guru

If you're walking around with a metaphorical whistle, ready to call plays on every project and every problem… maybe take a beat. The best “coaches” don’t coach constantly—they coach intentionally.

Be the person people want to hear from. Not the one they dread getting “a little coaching moment” from.

Because coaching isn’t about knowing more. It’s about helping others discover their own path—not dragging them onto yours.

Annoying "Coaching"